Dear Reader,
Below is today's live video and a summary for day three of our 5-Day Self Care Challenge. I want to welcome you back.
Today is going to be pretty interesting. We are going to talk about forming a habit of reframing - the act of recentering your focus. Just give me 15 minutes!
I wanted to talk to you about two conversations with a friend named Alison, one of which is from my book. I met her on the Camino de Santiago. It's a pilgrimage hike in Portugal and Spain. We met there on the very first day and ended up walking the entire hike together.
She's actually a Canadian, American, but lives in Canada.
I asked her what was a good piece of advice that she received from someone when she was going through a big life change. And she said, there were many, many pieces of advice that she received, but that her best friend had said to her, this is going to look different in a year.
Then she said, "You can whittle it down to this will look different next week. This will look different tomorrow, this will look different an hour from now."
But it actually put things in perspective for her. And when she felt stuck or entangled in some kind of situation like that “this is going to be a forever thing,” she had a solution
Another thing that happened with Alison is when we were on the Camino. She asked me a question that started with, “have you considered the possibility that” and it was about my ex husband and our relationship.
She asked, “Have you considered that because he did that you were free to do this hike? And that maybe you were meant to do more?"
It has now become a habit of mine to say that to friends and clients who are facing a tough situation.
The realization is nothing is permanent. Have you considered that this will look different tomorrow? It helps understanding that the situation you're stuck in is not a permanent situation.
And she says that she had the recognition that life is happening for her, not to her, and that she's the starring attraction of her own life.
Reframing in 1-2-3
There are many ways to reframe, but I’m giving you three today.
I've given you two already.
The first one is, “this will look different tomorrow, this will look different a year from now”
Look at your situation very closely, and see that it's not permanent, no situation will ever be permanent.
The second thing is to reframe something by saying “have you ever considered the possibility that…?”
Reframe the situation that they didn't mean to hurt you when they did this? The need to consider the possibility that they didn't understand their actions would hurt you.
Most people are acting of their own volition and out of their own pain. Their action may have hurt you but it may not have been intentional.
The third one is something my inlaws taught us. This is for when you're in a situation and it's feeling like a battle, it's feeling like a fight and there is no resolution in sight.
The way to peacefully, even if only temporarily, end a fight when neither person is really willing to do let go,
Is to say “You could be right.”
If you have a partner you love or a friend you care about, and they say this simple phrase to you, you need to have the respect to say that back to them.
It's also a very powerful tool you can teach children, young children, adult children, and coworkers.
You are showing them that there is always the possibility that the other person fully believes what they're saying and that they cannot see your point of view.
It is possible, they will see your point of view, or you'll come to a different kind of agreement.
If you can recognize that there's possibility there might just be something that you are not right about, or there might be a little piece that you're not right about.
The older we get, the more skill sets we have to deal with conflict in our life. And reframing is not something that comes naturally.
We want to feel heard, we want to feel seen, we want to feel understood.
Don’t let being right the most important thing - it’s way more important to be happy.
So again, the habit is reframing three different ways you can do
- This will look different tomorrow, this will look different next week.
- Have I considered the possibility that
- You could be right.
So let's practice some reframing today.
If there's something that's bothering you, if someone has hurt your feelings, if there's just a really long term pain that you're holding on to, how can we reframe that?
Warm regards,
Kelly - C.K. Collins
Author, Coach, Podcaster, Speaker
P.S. Wondering where you stand on your own self care? Check our FREE Self Care Scorecard: Essential Questions for Women over 40
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